Humor Page 7

More Redneck Jokes

More "You know you're a redneck if........"

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12.. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip"on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.


Why Rednecks Are Not Paramedics

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and dials 911.

He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead, what should I do?"

The operator in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he is dead."

There is a silence... then a gun shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

You Know You're Trailer Trash When (Forwarded by Cheryl Agne)

The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your junior prom had a daycare.

You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.

You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Somebody hollers, "Hoe Down", and your girlfriend hits the floor.

You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

Your working TV sits on top of your non-working RV.

You thought the Una-bomber was a wrestler...

You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table...

You think a quarter horse is that ride out in front of the K-Mart.

Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 dollars worth of improvement.

You've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

You've ever asked the preacher, "How's it hangin?"

You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

You've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate.

You've ever been too drunk to fish.

You don't understand why the first 35 are not funny.
 

Redneck Doctorin' Terms

Benign................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria...............Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.................What you do with dead folks.
Cesarean Section.......A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan................Searching for the cat.

Cauterize..........Made eye contact with her.
Colic...............A sheep dog.
Coma...............A punctuation mark.
D&C................Where Washington is.
Dilate.............To live longer than your kids do.

Enema.............Not a friend.
Fester............Quicker than someone else.
Fibula............A small lie.
G.I.Series.........World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail...........What you hang your coat on.

Labor Pain..........Getting hurt at work.
Morbid..............A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates............Cheaper than day rates.
Medical Staff.......A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.
Node....................I knew it.
Outpatient..............A person who has fainted.
Pelvis...................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative...........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room....Place to do upholstery.
Secretion.......Hiding something
Tablet..........A small table to change babies on.
Seizure..........Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.

Terminal Illness....Getting sick at the train station.
Tumor...............More than one.
Varicose............Near by

A Letter From Home
Dear Billy Bob,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that   most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved.  Won't be  able to send you the address as the last  family that lived here  took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to  change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons,  so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we   didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.    About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off manfully, so he drowned. We cremated  him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out.  He  rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned.  They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

Bubba and Billy Ray

Bubba and Billy Ray are from Arkansas visiting a relative in Huntsville
prison. Walking along Sam Houston Street they see a sign which reads, 'Suits
$5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair.'

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Ray, "LOOK! We could buy a whole lot of those,
and when we get back to Arkansas, we could make a fortune. Now when
we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking
'cause if they hear our accent, they might not serve us. I'll speak in my
best Texas drawl."

They go in and Bubba says, "I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at
$2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup
and. . ."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Arkansas, aren't you?"

"Oh, yes," says a surprised Bubba. "How come you know that?"

The owner says, "This is a dry-cleaners."


The Arkansas Doc
Doctor Darren had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.  But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice within himself, trying to reassure him: "Darren, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients... and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go......"

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:
"Darren, you're a vet..."

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the Java.

7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.

Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted, "Hurrah!"

10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake Circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only beause of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.

12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote'. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.

Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14,1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe that the assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.

16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

Kids Proverbs
A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in
her class the first half of the proverb and asked them to come up with the
remainder of the proverb.  Here are the results.

You can't teach an old dog new-----------math.
Better to be safe than-----------punch a 5th grader.
Never under estimate the power of--------termites.
You can lead a horse to water but--------how?
Don't bite the hand that------------looks dirty.
No news is----------impossible.
A miss is as good as a-------------------Mister.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll------------stink in the morning.
Love all, trust------------------me.
The pen is mightier than the----------------pigs.
An idle mind is---------------the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's---------------pollution.
Happy the bride who---------------gets all the presents.
A penny saved is----------------not much.
Two's company, three's---------------the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what-------------you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and---------you have to blow
your nose.
None are so blind as---------------Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not----------spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed------------------get new batteries.
You get out of something what you------see pictured on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind----------get out of the way.

More Kids
One Easter Sunday morning, as the minister was preaching he reached into his bag of props and pointing at the egg and asked the children, "what's in here?"  "I know, a little boy exclaimed. "Pantyhose!"

Little Johnny asked his grandmother how old she was.  Grandma answered, "39 and holding."  Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "and how old would you be if you let go?"
 

Research Performed by Kids
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house 4  inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape.  It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20X20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times  before you get a hit.  A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a  ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.  A magnifying  glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't  walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what "that odor" is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.  Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin has a 5 minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.  It will however make cats dizzy and cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
 

Actual Analogies and Metaphors in High School Essays

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides, you know like gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled around in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free softener.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at solar eclipses without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as - like - whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock - like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball would not.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, my Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long that it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, just like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just actually might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, just like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing their kids around waving power tools at them.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

28. It really hurt! like the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.


Can't Find It Contributed by Mary Whittington
Little Billy Joe was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So Billy Joe raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked him to be quick. 

Five minutes later Billy Joe returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it," he admitted. The teacher sat Billy Joe down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy Joe looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.  Five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher  "I can't find it."

Frustrated, the teacher asked Jon, a boy who has been at the school for a while, to help him find the bathroom. So Jon and Billy Joe go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Jon, "Well, did you find it?"  Jon is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."

Big Trouble

A couple had two very mischievous boys who were 8 and 10 years old. Whenever there was trouble in town, the couple knew the boys were involved. One day, their mother heard that a local clergyman was great at disciplining children, so she asked him to speak to her boys. He agreed to meet with them individually, and she sent her younger son along to his office.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the boy down and asked him "Where is God?" The boy's eyes grew wide and his jaw dropped, but he didn't reply. The clergyman repeated the question, but with more strictness: "Where is God?!" Again, the boy didn't answer, he just sat stock-still in his seat. Furious, the clergyman shook his finger in the boy's face as he shouted again "WHERE IS GOD?!"

The boy screamed, ducked out of the room, ran all the way home and right into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him hiding in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

Trembling and gasping, his younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing
-- and they think WE did it!"


Toddler Property Laws Forward by Cheryl Agne
1.If I like it, it's mine
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine
3.If I can take it from you, it's mine
4.If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5.If it's mine, it must never appear to be your's in any way.
6.If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7.If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8.If I saw it first, it's mine.
9.If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10.If it's broken, it's yours.

Click for, "The #1 reason not to have an online relationship."  (PG and not for ladies with weak stomachs.)
 

	Woman's Bowling Lane
Woman's Mouse	Woman's comode

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