Humor Page 6

Senior Challenges
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Divorce at 80?
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says,  "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough". 
 
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. 
 
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. 
 
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. 
 
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.  "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." 
 
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there.  I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. 
 
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.  "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares ... Now what do we tell them for Christmas?


Gravity Forwarded by Cheryl Agne
Aging Mildred was 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over quickly, she took out Earl's Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Driving Forwarded by Carolyn Hunter
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely See over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an Intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing It. I could have sworn we just went  through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.  Aain, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"  Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, heck, am I driving?"

Signs of Menopause
1. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
2. You change your underwear after a sneeze.


Thoughts
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

But Most Of All, Remember !

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!


SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . ....having friends.
At age 16 success is .. . . .......having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is .. . . ..........having sex.
At age 35 success is . . ................having money.
At age 50 success is . . . ..............having money.
At age 60 success is . . . ..........having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . .......having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . ......having friends.
At age 80 success is . . not peeing in your pants.


Thoughtful Son-In-Law
A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, it’s my mother’s birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric."

The husband replied, "OK. How about a chair!"

Payback
Childhood: That time of life when you make funny faces in the mirror. Middle age: That time of life when the mirror gets even.
 

Perks For Being Over 50  Contributed by Cheryl Agne
1 Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2 In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3 People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

4 No one expects you to run into a burning building.

5 People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6 There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

7 Things you buy now won't wear out.

8 You can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m.

9 You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

10 You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

11 You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

12 You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

13 You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room.

14 You sing along with the elevator music.

15 Your eyes won't get much worse.

16 Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

17 Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

18 Your secrets are safe with your friends 'cause they can't remember them either.

19 Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

20 You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along

21 You can't remember who sent you this.

You Know You're Getting Older When....
You fuss at how "cheap mirrors" distort your reflection. On the other hand, your eyes are worse and you say to yourself, "I don't look so bad."

Your toupee turns gray

You bend over and wonder if there's anything else you can do while you are down there.

You get the urge, but can't remember what for.

Your idea of getting out, getting fresh air and exercise is driving with the windows open.

The waitress wants payment for your breakfast in advance. The grocer asks if, "you really want green bananas."

During love making, you are proclaimed a "wild animal." Upon further examination, the animal is a sloth.

A fortune teller offers to read your face.

During your bus ride from the gym, a young lady offers you her seat.

Your hunting trips are for your reading glasses.

When comfort triumphs over fashion.

Your birthday candles set off the fire alarm.

You remember when errors were blamed on people instead of computers.

Money put into the collection plate is no longer a donation, but an investment.

You forget to zip up. You're even older when you forget to zip down.

You can whistle while you brush your teeth.

The names in your little black book are doctors.

As Moms Mobley said, having romance with the hubby is like trying to push a Cadillac up a hill with a rope.

Your head makes commitments your body can't keep.

You start conversations with, "In my day."

Your back goes out more than you do.

You take longer to get over a good time than to have it.

Books are in the past. You look forward to evening, so you can sink your teeth into a good glass.

You hang out with older people to feel younger.

You stop chasing men/women and hook them with your cane.

Your wife is as pretty as she was when you were clasmates in school, but it takes an hour longer. Plus, she is now ten years younger than you are.

You stop chasing women/men because you're too fine, too decent, too old.

Your class reunion is no fun because it's just a bunch of old people.

You move the mirror from the bedroom ceiling to the dining room table ceiling.

"OLD GEEZERS" Forwarded by Mary Whittington

”Geezers" - slang for old man - are easy to spot;

At sporting events, during the playing of the National Anthem, they hold their caps over their hearts and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.

They remember World War I, the Depression, World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal, Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing, not to mention Vietnam.

If you bump into a "Geezer" on the sidewalk, he'll apologize, pass a Geezer on the street, he'll nod, or tip his cap to a lady.

"Geezers" trust strangers and are courtly to women.

They hold the door for the next person and always when walking, make sure the lady is on the inside for protection.

"Geezers" get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like violence and filth on TV and in movies.

Geezers have moral courage. Geezers seldom brag unless it's about the grandchildren in Little League or music recitals.

It's the "Geezers" who know our great country is protected, not by politicians or police, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country in foreign lands, just as they did, without a thought except to do a good job, the best you can and to get home to loved ones.

This country needs "Geezers" with their decent values and common sense.

Sadly, however is the realization that as this generation of "Geezers" passes on, there doesn't appear to be anyone to take their place.

And, yes, I'm proud to be of the Old Geezer generation.



AGE HAPPENS .... if you're lucky. More from Katsuey
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

I don't date women my age. There aren't any. (Milton Berle)

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.

The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired. (M. Berle)

As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did. (Robert Benchley)

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

As we grow older year by year, my husband always mourns: the less and less we feel our oats, the more we feel our corns.

I have everything I had 20 years ago, only it's all a little bit lower. (Gypsy Rose Lee)

You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.

You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

A recent statistic in USA Today showed what senior citizens do to modify their homes. It found 18 percent replace faucets, 23 percent add lighting, and nearly 95 percent cover all the furniture with plastic.

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Choices and Remembering
Your dog's barking at the back door. Your wife's barking at the front. Who do you let in? Well, it's your call... but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in.

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

A Man's Best Friend
A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!?


Drinking Beer Makes Men Turn Into Women
Yesterday, scientists for the US Drug Administration suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. 

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and went to the bathroom  excessively.

No further testing is planned.

Understanding Women (Contributed almost simultaneously by Cheryl Agne and Cheryl van der Eerden.)
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No-think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

The Guy Rules
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If the seat is up, put it down.

2. Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries were NOT invented in order to see if we can find you the perfect gift, yet again!

3. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Deal with it.

4. Do not ask us what we are thinking about, unless you are prepared to discuss power tools, the shotgun formation, or NASCAR.

5. “Sunday Sports”. Its like the full moon and the changing tide. Let it be.

6. Shopping is NOT a sport, and NO, we are never going to think of it that way.

7. Whenever we go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine with us. REALLY!

8. Crying is blackmail, period.

9. When you want something ASK. Subtle hints do NOT work. Strong hints do NOT work. Obvious hints do NOT work. Just SAY it.

10. We are not good at remembering dates; put birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar, and don't forget to remind us ahead of time.

11. Most guys own 3 pairs of shoes-maximum, so why on earth do you think we would be any good at helping you pick out the 1 pair, out of 30, that would go good with your dress.

12. YES and NO are perfectly good answers to almost any question.

13. Come to us with a problem ONLY if you want help SOLVING It. That's what we do. If you're looking for sympathy, don't come to us; that's what your girlfriends are for.

14. A headache that lasts 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

15. Just because there are still blank checks in your checkbook, doesn't mean you can't be over drawn.

16. Anything we said 6 months ago is INADMISSIBLE in an argument. IN FACT, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

17. If you don't DRESS like the Victoria's Secret models, don't expect us to RESPOND like soap opera guys.

18. If something we said can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you feel sad or angry, then we meant to say it the other way.

19. Let us ogle; we’re going to look anyway, it's genetic.

20. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, BUT NOT BOTH. If you already know how you want it done, then just DO IT YOURSELF.

21. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

22. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

23. Our relationship is never going to be like it was when we were first going out. GET OVER IT, and quit whining about it to your girlfriends.

24. ALL men see in only 16 colors. We're like the default setting in Windows 2000. Peach, for example, is a fruit not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

25. If it itches it will be scratched, regardless of the time of day or the social occasion.

26. We are NOT mind readers. Our inability to read your mind is NOT proof of how little we care about you.

27. If we ask what is wrong and you say, "nothing is wrong" we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but frankly, it's just not worth the hassle.

28. The reason we like fishing is because it doesn't require conversation. The reason we like golf is because it doesn't require conversation, and the reason we like the family dog is because it doesn't require conversation. SEE THE TREND?

29. And finally, I am in shape--ROUND
 

Rules Men Wish Women Would Learn
If you think you're fat you probably are. So don't ask us.

Just learn to work the toilet seat: It's very simple, if it's up, just put it down. There is no practical reason that it should be left in the position that you want it.

No, don't cut you're hair. Ever.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present, again!!

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Learn to live with it.

Don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as our career, the shotgun formation, the bad tee-shot we hit on #14, or Harley-Davidsons.

Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different: it's just like every other cat.

Any dog is better than any cat. Period.

Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport.

Anything you wear is fine. Really.

Yes, you have enough clothes and yes, you have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it or always respond favorably.

Ask for what you want, exactly. Subtle hints don't work.

No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark Anniversaries and Birthdays on a calendar.

Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from pointblank range. We are bound to miss from time to time.

We survive with three or four pair of shoes. It is ridiculous to ask our help choosing which pair, out of fifty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.

Check your oil.

It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take any quiz together.

Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done — but, not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Consider golf, football, or fishing a mini vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

Telling us that models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainty not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
 

Why Men Are Glad They Are Men
Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about military tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking:
"He must be mad at me."

Same work - more pay.

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

Wedding dress - $2,000.
Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.
You don't mooch off other's desserts.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with So, notice anything different?"

You are not expected to know the names of more five colors.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice growing a mustache

Worthwhile reading Contributed by Mary Whittington
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.
 
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
 
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
 
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.


The Female Brain Illustrated
Ever wonder how the female brain works. We now have a chart that delineates the different areas of the female brain. It shows and sizes glands ranging from the "I told you so" gland, the "sex initiator gland", the "headache generator gland", etc. Men will find it hilarious.
 

Blonde Fishing Forwarded by Mary Whittington
This blonde really wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, even louder:

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, " Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE ICE RINK MANAGER!"

A Blonde Stands Up For Her Hairitage
A blonde attended a show at which a ventriloquist at which the sassy dummy told numerous blonde jokes.  After the show, the angry blonde went up to the stage and said, "I am offended by your jokes.  I'll have you know I am not stupid and blondes are unfairly stereotyped.  We hold responsible positions and we are getting tired of jokes like these."  The ventriloquist said, "I'm sorry ma'am if I offended you."  The blonde retorted, "I'm not talking to you, "I'm talking to that jerk on your leg."

Warning From A Blonde
I usually trash these but this one is IMPORTANT.

If a man comes to your front door saying he is conducting a survey and he asks you to show him your boobs . . .DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS! This is a scam, and he is only trying to SEE YOUR BOOBS.

I wish I had heard about this before yesterday.  I only hope I'm soon enough to save you from this horrible con artist.

Blonde Lunch
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blonde guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch!
 

The difference between men and women:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item, if he wants it.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want because it's on sale.

A woman worries about he future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find that man.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and don't expect to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man can forget his past mistakes,
there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.

A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting her not to change and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

I Won!!!
A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!”

The wife says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?” He says, "I don't care. Just get the hell out!"

A Chemical Analysis of A Woman
Element - Woman
Symbol - WO
Discoverer - Adam
Atomic Mass - Accepted as 118, but known to vary from 100 to 460 lbs.
Occurrence - Copius quantities in all urban areas

Physical properties:

1. Surface usually covered with painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure when applied to correct points.

Chemical properties:

1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously if left alone with a Male.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known.

Common uses:

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be great aid to relaxation.

Tests:

1. Pure specimen turns a rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Hazards:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one.

Keep Her Cheryl van Eerden
There was this guy, recently separated, who thought he would boost his ego a little by buying himself a new Mercedes. He was driving along the highway, at a good clip, when a cop pulled in behind him...lights flashing. He thought to himself, "This is my first good rip in this car, I'm not going to let a cop ruin it - I can outdo him easily".

He put the pedal to the metal and the cop followed...soon, after reaching 100 miles per hour, the guy said to himself, "What am I doing?" and pulled over. The cop came up to the window and said, "I've had a long night, I've already met my quota, and I don't feel like doing this paperwork. If you've got a good excuse, I'll let you off this time.

Without having to think about it, the guy said, "Well, last week, my wife left me for some cop and I thought you were trying to give her back!"

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A cowboy's guide to life
Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Never ask a man the size of his spread.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Good judgment comes from experience, & a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25 Country Songs
25.  Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.            

24.  Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure.
                
23.  How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
                
22.  I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
                
21.  I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We're  Even.
                
20.  I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.
                
19.  I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
                
18.  I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
                
17.  I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
                
16.  I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
                
15.  I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
                
14.  I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back In My Bed While I  Cry Over You.
                
13.  If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
                
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.
                
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).
                
10.  My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.
                
 9.  My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.
                
 8.  Please Bypass This Heart.
                
 7.  She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
                
 6.  You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.
                
 5.  You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
                
 4.  If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
                
 3.  She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.
                
 2.  She's Looking Better After Every Beer.
                
 And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is

 1.  I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few.



Yogi Berra is one of my heroes. Some of the quotes attributed to him follow. (Dale)
I don't want to make the wrong mistake.

You can observe a lot just by watching.

It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much.

Yogi order a pizza, the waitress asked how many pieces do you want your pie cut? Yogi responded, "4, I don't think I could eat 8"

During a game of 20 Questions Yogi asked "Is he living now"

After seeing the opera Tosca, Yogi remarked, "I really liked it, even the music was nice"

If people don't want to come out to the ball park, nobody's going to stop them.

I want to thank all those who made this night necessary.

I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.

Interviewer - "Why, you're a fatalist !" - Yogi Berra - "You mean I save postage stamps ? Not me.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

How can you think and hit at the same time?

If you come to a fork in the road, take it.

It ain't over 'til it's over.

This is like deja vu all over again. Dale's note: Yogi said this when Maris & Mantle were pursuing the home record again for the second time.

Phil Rizzuto - "Hey Yogi I think we're lost." - Yogi Berra - "Ya, but we're making great time!

I couldn't tell if the streaker was a man or a woman because it had a bag on it's head.

Slump ? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hittin.

It's pretty far, but it doesn't seem like it.

In baseball, you don't know nothin'.

How can you think and hit at the same time?

Yogi Berra on seeing a Steve McQueen movie: - "He must have made that before he died

If you can't imitate him, don't copy him.

Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical

Mrs. Lindsay - "You certainly look cool." - Yogi Berra - "Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself."

A nickel isn't worth a dime today

Referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at the stadium. "it gets late out there early"

During his movie review television show referring to actress Glen Close. Yogi called her "Glen Cove" (a village on Long Island)

It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future

I didn't say the things I said

It ain't over until its over

Yogi was interviewed after a game , as compensation he recieved a check "Pay to the order of BEARER" He said, "I've known this guy so long, he can't spell my name right"

When ask what time it was , Yogi said "Do you mean now"

I take a two hour nap between 1PM and 4PM

90% of the putts that are short don't go in

You have to give 100 percent in the first half of the game. If that isn't enough, in the second half, you have to give what is left.

When asked "what would you do if you found $1 million?" Yogi responded, "if the guy was poor, I'd give it back"

Yogi saw three of his players in the locker room wearing Cone Head hats, Yogi said, "those guys make a pair"

Yogi met George Bush during an election campaign. Bush said Texas was important. Yogi said "Texas has a lot of electrical votes"

One day a repairman came to fix Yogi's Venitian BLINDS. Larry (Yogi's son) said " the man is here for the venetian BLINDS" Yogi said give him $5.00.

He a big clog in their machine.

Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded.

You got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

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Be Right Back
An extremely shy fellow once brought his date a bouquet of flowers. She threw her arms around him and kissed him long and hard. After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.

She exclaimed, "Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you."

"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going to buy ya some jewelry."

Messed up lately? Mark's Apology Generator can get you out of anything. This is funny!!! (Oops, it's rated R, I didn't notice the language before - only in a few places.)

Need a translator? This translates to anything, including Redneck - The Dialectizer

The directory for whiners & complainers - BooHoo

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For a beautiful and cute Christmas scene/card/music, see Cheryl Agne's submission - Digiserve
 

A Christmas Story
Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping
done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas
season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was
loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I
was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath,
I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet
sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years
old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged
flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he
was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten
lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong, and he told me his sad
story.

He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and two
sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was
poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to
support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to save two hundred
dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been
dropped off on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy
presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He
had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred
dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.

"I did," he replied.

"And nobody came to help you?" I wondered.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.

"How loud did you scream?" I inquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

In that remote area, I realized that absolutely no one could have possibly
heard that poor boy's softly spoken plea for help ...

... so, I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.


Poor Santa
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.

So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
May you and your loved ones, enjoy peace on Earth. There's more fun below!

SANTA GETS NEW CONTRACT
NORTH POLE - Santa Claus regrets to inform his faithful clients that,
effective immediately, he will no longer be able to serve the Southern
United States on Christmas Eve. The reason is overwhelming population
increases in more important places.

"My contract was re-negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local
209 and I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois,
Wisconsin and Michigan," said Santa.  "As part of the new and better
contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies."

Santa Claus said he is relatively certain that Southern children will be
in good hands. His regional replacement just happens to be a third
cousin, Bubba Claus.

"His side of the family is from the South Pole but he shares my goal of
delivering toys to all good boys and girls."

Santa says there are a few differences between the two. There is no
danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun
rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads "Toys insured by
Smith and Wesson."

Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba prefers that children leave out an RC
cola and moon pie. Pork rinds, Vienna sausages, cheese and crackers
would be OK.

Incidentally, Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He's been known to dip a
little snuff so an empty spit can might be a good idea.

Santa Claus says Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin'
coon hounds instead of reindeer.

"I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time and
he ate 'em. Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace."

That means you won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen."

When Bubba arrives, there'll be cries of "Go get 'em, Earnhardt, on
Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. Go faster, Rudd and Jarrett and Elliott
and Petty."

"Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"

And you may hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off!"

There may be a few other decorative stickers on the sleigh, things like
a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters. Bubba
was asked to remove the caricature of the international Santa Claus
going wee-wee on the Tooth Fairy.

You need to know that the usual Christmas movie classics, "Miracle on
34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your
negotiated viewing area. Bubba proposes to substitute "Boss Hogg Saves

Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring good old Burt
Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into
each other.

Santa Claus regrets to inform you that the lovely Christmas songs about
him have been dropped by WIVK and other Southern radio stations.
There'll be no more "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" or Bing Crosby's
"Santa Claus Is Coming toTown."

Bubba has recommended more appropriate music - Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba
Shot the Jukebox," and Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My
Woman and a Six Pack."

One more thing: Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt, even when on duty.
Santa recommends that Southern wives and children look the other way
when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
 

Please email your stories to: Dale Tincher

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Riddle If "CON" is the opposite of "PRO", what is the opposite of PROGRESS?
 

Government Workings
Colin Powell phoned The President and said: "Good News, Mr. President! Your sabre-rattling has worked.  Saddam Hussein has agreed to let the weapons inspectors back into Iraq, and they can go wherever they want whenever they want.  But there's just one condition that might be a bit of a problem."

President Bush said: "That's fantastic! But what's the condition?"

Powell replies: "The inspectors have to be from Arthur Andersen."

A funny/disgusting picture (bottom left) of the Highways Dept in Action, from Cheryl van der Eerden. (A friend told me he feels like this at tax time.) Thanks to Cheryl Agne for forwarding many of the others. Also - thanks to Katsuey, Doug Holmes, Mike Cogswell and Blair Corkran for new submissions. See Page 7 for more hilarious pictures.

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Uhbeduhbedubeha... that's all folks!! We hope you enjoyed it.

 

 

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