Humor Page 5

He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.

He does not get lost all the time; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a cradle robber; he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not act like a total ass; he develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

He does not have a rich daddy; he is a RECIPIENT OF PARENTAL ASSET INFUSION.

He does not have a hot body; he is PHYSICALLY COMBUSTIBLE.

He is not unsophisticated; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.

He is not a bad dancer; he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He is not a sex machine; he is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.

He does not hog the blankets; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.

He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

Quotes
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your  neck? Linda Ellerbee

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. Zsa Zsa Gabor

If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.  Sue Grafton

He tricked me into marrying him.  He told me he was pregnant. Carol Leifer

I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. Susie Loucks

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb . . . and I also know that I'm not blonde. Dolly Parton

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. Maryon Pearson

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. Gilda Radner

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. Roseanne

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. Gloria Steinem

Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. Baroness Edith Summerskill

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. Margaret Thatcher

I think --- therefore I'm single. Lizz Winstead

A Man's Reasoning
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Supporting A Family
The prospective father-in-law asked, "young man, can you support a family?"  The surprised groom-to-be replied, "young man, can you support a family?"  The surprised groom-to-be replied, "well, no.  I was just planning to support your daughter.  The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."


Men and Women
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car.

To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Gee, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: So, that means it was ... let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ... let me check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm going to have them lookat the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scum balls.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?"  

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so... (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.

There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work. "Yes," he says.

Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she
speaks.

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.

When Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, statement, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say, "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.
 

A Woman's Perfect Breakfast
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheatie’s box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
 

Santa's Not A Man (Forwarded by Katsuey)
I think Santa Claus is a woman....

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a "she." Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
* Men can't pack a bag
* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves
* Men don't answer their mail.
* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
* Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
* Having to do the Ho Oh Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men....
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.

But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

Back To Top
 

Prison or Work

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should
make things a little bit clearer.

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing
games.

IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
 AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON ....you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they are called managers
 

You are an Internet Addict when.... Found by Douglas Holmes, Attorney, an admitted Internet addict (he's getting help)

1.) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

2.) You step out of your room and realize that your spouse has moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.

3.) Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.

4.) Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.

5.) You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

6.) You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"

7.) Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.

8.) You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

9.) Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

10.) All of your friends have an @ in their names.

11.) When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

12.) Your dog has its own home page.

13.) You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.

14.) You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

15.) Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.

16.) You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

17.) You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

18.) Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months.

19.) You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

20.) You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.

21.) You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

22.) Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

23.) You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."

24.) You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.

25.) The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.

26.) You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

27.) Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

28.) As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
 

2001 Internet Addict
You know you are a 2001 Internet Addict when....
1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He e-mails
you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you
haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it
contains Echinacea.
7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so
she can create a screen saver.
8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone
is home.
9. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of
the screen.
10. You buy a computer, and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells
for half the price you paid.
11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic, and you turn around
to go get it.
12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would
be a hassle and takes planning.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the
back seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not
have e-mail addresses.
15. You consider 2nd-day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized is multicolored Post-it notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
20. You disconnect from the internet and get an awful feeling, as if you just
pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.
22. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on
your way back to bed.
23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
24. You're reading this.
25.  Even worse: you're going to forward it to someone else.

Proverbs for 2000 (Forwarded by Carmen Harrington)

1. Home is where you hang your @

2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. C:\ is the root of all directories.

8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. A chat has nine lives.

14. Don't byte off more than you can view.

15. Fax is stranger than fiction.

16. What boots up must come down.

17. Windows will never cease.

18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).

19. Virtual reality is its own reward.

20. Modulation in all things.

21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

22. There's no place like www.home.com.

23. Know what to expect before you connect.

24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice to deceive.

25. Speed thrills.

26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

You know you're living in 2004 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a
business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an
outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the
screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and
you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on
this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, forward this to your friends ...you know you want to!

Computer Support Forwarded by Katsuey
A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer." On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it.

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' ! to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

Customer in computer shop: "Can you copy the Internet onto this disk for me?"

Got a call from a woman said that her laser printer was having problems: the bottom half of her printed sheets were coming out blurry. It seemed strange that the printer was smearing only the bottom half. I walked her through the basics, then went over and printed out a test sheet. It printed fine. I asked her to print a sheet, so she sent a job to the printer. As the paper started coming out, she yanked it out and showed it to me.

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"

And another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained that the buttons were difficult to depress. She was very embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.

A friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!

Communicating With Your Engineer (Found by Dale)
What They Really Mean

1. A number of different approaches are being tried.
(We are still guessing at this point.)

2. Close project coordination.
(We sat down and had coffee together.)

3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach.
(We just hired three punk kids out of school.)

4. Major technological breakthrough!
(It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!)

5. Customer satisfaction is believed assured.
(We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)

6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.
(The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

7. Test results were extremely gratifying!
(Unbelievable, it actually worked!)

8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
(The only guy who understood the thing quit.)

9. It is in process.
(It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)

10. We will look into it.
(Forget it! We have enough problems already.)

11. Please note and initial.
(Let's spread the responsibility for this.)

12. Give us the benefit of your thinking.
(We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)

13. Give us your interpretation.
(We can't wait to hear your bull.)

14. See me or let's discuss.
(Come to my office, I've screwed up again.)

15. All new.
(Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)

16. Rugged.
(Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.)

17. Robust!
(Rugged, but more so)

18. Light weight.
(Slightly lighter than rugged)

19. Years of development.
(One finally worked)

20. Energy saving.
(Achieved when the power switch is off.)

21. No maintenance.
(Impossible to fix)

22. Low maintenance.
(Nearly impossible to fix)

23. Fax me the data.
(I'm too lazy to write it down.)

24. We are following the standard!
(That's the way we have always done it!)

25. I didn't get your e-mail.
(I haven't checked my e-mail for days.)

What Word Book Should I Read?
This item is an actual post that comes from a 1998 listserv to which I belong. Dick Johns provided a brief, but hilarious response.
The poster wrote - "Well, the die has been cast and management has decided to "upgrade" our WP6.0a/W31 systems to MS Office97/W98. (As a WP power user, my personal thoughts on this shall remain private! Grin )"

"Being one of the two trainers who'll be helping people (particularly our WP power users) make the switch, does anyone know of any good training resources or books that might help?"

"Thanks!"

Dick Johns reponse (which we loved)

"You might try the Bible or the Koran and pray a lot. . ."

"bigger Grin"

dick johns
djohns@loop.com

Viruses
On a listserv to which I belong, a poster commented that he thought Microsoft *was* a virus. I commented that I didn't think so and explained.

Poster - >>I'm afraid I don't know the answer to your question but I would comment that I believe Microsoft Word *IS* a virus >>

Reply - I don't believe that Word is a virus. Viruses are consistent, well-supported, inexpensive, not predatory toward other viruses, not announced with fanfare, and are not forced upon PC manufacturers. However, below are some other viruses that are real threats.

Jane Fonda Virus
Attacks your hard drive's FAT

Bill Clinton Virus
When cornered by virus software, admits its transgression and asks to be allowed to continue roaming your hard drive

Congressional Virus #1 Congressional Virus #2
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything

AT&T Virus
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus

Politically Correct Virus
Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

Ross Perot Virus
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back

Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus
Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg

Government Economist Virus
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine

Federal Bureaucrat Virus
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer

Freudian Virus
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive

PBS Virus
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money

Jimmy Hoffa Virus
Your programs can never be found again

LAPD Virus
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."

O.J. Virus
It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it

Badtimes Virus
Please read this!!!

If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it IMMEDIATELY. READ
ON........
Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also
delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes
the strips on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and
uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It
will program your phone auto-dial to call only 900 numbers.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. IT WILL CAUSE YOUR
TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??

It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting
company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine,
all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and
billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause you to run
with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses
an eye.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive
tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the
interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will
leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously
close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from
your mattresses and pillows.

It will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *******
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you'll fart so hard
that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you,
sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
Send to everyone ..... In case you are a blonde, this is a joke.


Viruses Provided By An Unnamed Contributor
Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: Deletes all old files.

Titanic virus: Your whole computer goes down.

Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

Joey Buttafuocco virus: Only attacks minor files.

Lorena Bobbit virus: Turns your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Viagra virus: Turns your 3.5 inch floppy into a hard drive.

Fine Print Privacy Statement
Dear Valued Customer:

We here at the Internet Inc. would like to welcome you to our new company.
We know that you may have felt apprehensive to learn that your internet
provider, credit card company, bank, 17 favorite web sites, and nearest
Chinese take-out restaurant have all recently merged into one corporate
entity. But there is no need to worry. The dossier of personal information
we have collected about you is safe in our hands. You can trust us.

What follows is our new and updated privacy statement. Please sign it and
return it to our office as soon as possible. While this document may be
confusing at times, the cornerstone of our privacy policy is this: under no
circumstances will we ever release any of your personal information to a
third party, unless we can make good money doing so. That's our promise, and
we're sticking to it.

The Internet Inc. assures you that we will never read any of your e-mail
unless our employees happen to think it looks interesting.

We may occasionally place cookies on your hard drive in order to make your
shopping experiences more enjoyable. Think of these as simple gifts of our
love to you. In addition to enhancing your shopping, these cookies also
allow us to know exactly where you go online. This is an unfortunate side
effect, which we deeply regret.

If, in the future, we come up with a more advanced way of tracking your
surfing habits, we promise to give it an equally frivolous name so that it
sounds perfectly harmless.

We reserve the right to call you with special offers on stuff you couldn't
possibly want at 9:30 a.m. on your day off. If, in your sleep-induced state,
you accidentally join our Lawn Care Super-Saver Club for the low annual fee
of $79.95 billed conveniently to your credit card -- even though you do not
actually have a lawn -- we will unfortunately have to hold you to that
binding contract.

Your credit card number is very important to us. Under no circumstances will
we divulge it to any third party. That would mean letting someone else cut
in on our action. We will not do that.

We are aware that you probably don't feel like reading all of this before
signing it, and we want you to know that that's okay. Don't worry. There
isn't anything really important in here anyway. Just sign it, and everything
will be fine.

Members of our technical staff may sometimes study the information in our
databases and phone certain customers asking for a date. We are sincerely
sorry about this, but these are lonely computer geeks. What do you expect?

We promise that the tiny people that we sent to live inside your computer
are not spying on you.

We reserve the right to sell any personal information we might have about
you to other parties. However, if your surfing habits are so dull that
nobody wants to buy your personal information, we will unfortunately be
obligated to charge you a nominal service fee to recoup our losses. This fee
can easily be charged to your credit card, whose number we already have.

We also reserve the right to define "nominal" in any way we please.

Finally, we here at the Internet Inc. understand that your privacy is very
important to you. We fully respect that privacy, and we promise that we're
not just saying that like all those other Internet companies you've been
with.
 

You know you're living in 2005 when . . . (Forwarded by Cheryl Agne)

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a
business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an
outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the
screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have
the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
and you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.----> :)

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't #9 on
this list.
 

Computer One-Liners
Operator! Trace this call and tell me where I am.

Windows: the ultimate triumph of marketing over technology.

Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors.

Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature.

Of course I know how to copy disks. Where's the xerox machine?

Crashing is the only thing windows does quickly.

I'd install windows, but I'd kinda like to have programs, too.

KEYBOARD : Instrument used to enter errors into computer.

Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source.

Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?

Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...

I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere.

If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?

Melted fruit snacks found on Keyboard. Delete nephew [Y/N]?

USER ERROR: replace user and press any key to continue.

Keyboard not connected, press "F1" to continue.

Why do they call this a word processor? It's simple, ... you've seen what food processors do to food, right?

If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a FAX?

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce today would cost $100, get a million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Every time I type 'win', I loose ...

Reference Manual: Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

Error message: Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.

Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

Windows 98 not found: (C)heer, (P)arty, (D)ance?

I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!

Hit any user to continue.

RAM disk is NOT an installation procedure.

Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?

Smith & Wesson: The origional point-and-click interface.

Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse.

'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

Going out of my mind, back in 5 minutes.

WYGIWYD -What you got is what you deserved.

WYTYSYDG-What you thought you saw, you didn't get.

A)bort, R)etry, I)gnore, V)alium?

Backup not found: A)bort, R)etry, M)assive heart failure?

USER ERROR: replace user and press any key to continue.

Computer support call(Forwarded by Katsuey)
Reportedly a true story. We're not sure.

EMPLOYEE: Computer assistant, "may I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with my computer"

EMPLOYEE: "What sort of trouble?"
CUSTOMER: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

EMPLOYEE: "Went away?"
CUSTOMER "They disappeared."

EMPLOYEE "Hmmm - So what does your screen look like now?"
CUSTOMER "Nothing."

EMPLOYEE "Nothing?"
CUSTOMER "It's blank; It won't accept anything when I type."

EMPLOYEE "Are you still using the your word-processor, or did you get out?"
CUSTOMER "How do I tell?"

EMPLOYEE "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
CUSTOMER "What's a sea-prompt?"

EMPLOYEE "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
CUSTOMER "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything when I type."

EMPLOYEE "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
CUSTOMER " What's a monitor?"

EMPLOYEE "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
CUSTOMER "I don't know."

EMPLOYEE "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
CUSTOMER "Yes, I think so."

EMPLOYEE "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
CUSTOMER "Yes it is."

EMPLOYEE "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
CUSTOMER "No."

EMPLOYEE "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
CUSTOMER "Okay, here it is."

EMPLOYEE "Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
CUSTOMER "I can't reach."

EMPLOYEE ""Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
CUSTOMER "No."

EMPLOYEE "Even if you maybe put your knee o something and lean way over?"
CUSTOMER "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark"

EMPLOYEE "Dark?"
CUSTOMER "Yes - the office light is off and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

EMPLOYEE "Well, turn the lights on then."
CUSTOMER "I can't."

EMPLOYEE "Why not?"
CUSTOMER " Because there's a power outage."

EMPLOYEE "A power...A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
CUSTOMER "Yes"

EMPLOYEE "Cool. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Customer "Really, Is it that bad?"

EMPLOYEE "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
CUSTOMER "Well, all right then, I suppose - What do I tell them?"

EMPLOYEE "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

The Computer Programmer and the Engineer

A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!" This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls but a five dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer.

Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

Tech Support - Wife 1.0
Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can not seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program.

Can you help me, please!!!

Thanks,

Joe

Dear Joe:

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings Alimony/Child Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.

In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but VERY high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0.

Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support

Windows 98 Brooklyn Edition

Dear Consumas:
It has come ta our attention dat a coupola copies of da WINDOWS 98/BROOKLYN EDITION may have accidentally bin shipped outsida Brooklyn. If ya got one a dese, you may need some help understandin' da commands. Da Brooklyn edition may be recognized by da unique openin' screen. It reads: "WINDAS 98," wit a background picture of Grand Army Plaza.

When you start da program, instead of da usual "harpy, stringy" music, you hear da teme from da Godfadda. It is also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava.

Please also note:
Recycle Bin is labeled "Staten Island."
My Computer is called "My Friggin' Computa."
The Inbox is referred to as "Da Trunk."
Deleted Items are referred to as "Wacked," "Erased," or "Rubbed Out."
Dial up Networking is called "Da Bar."
Control Panel is known as the "Da Bosses."
Performin' an "illegal operation" is known as "enhancin' the family business" and will actually maximize da program instead of shuttin' it down.
Hard Drive is referred to as "Da BQE Rush Hour."
Instead of an error message, a "You ain't gonna friggin' believe dis!" pops up.

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA BROOKLYN EDITION:
OK................Sure ting
Cancel...........Fugetaboutit
Reset.............Start Ova
Yes...............Yeah
No................Nah
Find..............Put a contract out on
Browse............Get a looksee
Back..............U toin
Help..............(Help ain't available - yous don't need no stinkin' help)
Stop..............Knock it off
Start.............Move it!
Settings..........Here's d' Rules

Also note dat any voice recognition software run on da BROOKLYN EDITION platform don't recognize da letter "R." Some programs and udder accessories dat are exclusive to WINDAS 98:
Typa..................A word processin' program
Printa................Printer
Calculata.............Calculator
Solitare..............Seven Card Stud

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of da BROOKLYN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
Yous got a problem wit dat?
BILL ("4 eyes") GATES

Engineering jokes may be found at Engineering Humour.

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