Humor Page 4

The Brickerlayer's Accident
The next story is not computer related, but is one of the funniest stories we have read. It is also a great example of the effective use of word pictures. The item was submitted by Cheryl.

BRICKLAYER'S ACCIDENT
-------------------------
This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. So here, thanks to John Sedgwick is this Bricklayer's report. 

Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-storey building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

You Know It's Time To Diet When From Katsuey
You haul ass and it takes two trips.

You dance and it makes the band skip.

You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, the doctor gives you 13 years to live.

You put mayonnaise on aspirin.

Your cereal bowl came with a lifeguard

You go to the zoo and the elephant throw you peanuts.

Your high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.

Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

The back of your neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.

All the restaurants in town have signs that say:"Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR "Your Name"

You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.

You get in an elevator, it HAS to go down.

You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

You've got smaller fat women orbiting around you. Or someone throws a snowball at you and it also goes into orbit.

When someone yells "Kool-Aid," you come crashing through the wall.

You could sell shade.

When you crosses the street, cars look out for you.

People jog around you for exercise.

Someone ran around you twice and got lost.

You get runs in your jeans.

Your blood type is Ragu.

When you go to a restaurant, you don't get a menu, you get an estimate.

If you get your shoes shined, you have to take their word for it!

You have to put your belt on with a boomerang

When you turn around, people throw you a welcome back party.

You can't even jump to a conclusion.

You went to the movies and sat next to everyone.

Your belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters

Discipline
"I'm telling ya Marge, there's nothing like a five mile jog, then, an ice cold shower to start your day off in the morning."

Marge looked at her obviously overweight friend and replied, "How long have you been doing this ?"

"I start tomorrow !" she answered.

Dilemma
A woman was lamenting about gaining weight to her diet club .

She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner. Her husband teased her and said she would ever be able to stay away from the other half until dinner the next night.

The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone.

The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would rub it in. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"
 

Good News and Bad News Contributed By Katsuey Kat
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

Chili Judge Copyright © 1997 W. Bruce Cameron Dale's note: A very funny writer.
=== Please do not remove the copyright from this essay! ===

Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO:. Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled--it's kinda cute.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am a bit worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. CAMERON: Momma?

The Cameron Column
A Free Internet Newsletter
Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 1997
This newsletter may be distributed freely on the internet in its entirety. If you want to unsubscribe, write majordomo@cwe.com and send the message "unsubscribe cameron " all lower case with no quotes. Sometimes that doesn't seem to work due to inconsistencies in the way e-mail addresses are stored; if that is the case please send a reply to this newsletter detailing the problem. Thanks!

To God From The Dog - Contributed By Cheryl Agne - Pets Humor

TO GOD FROM THE DOG

Dear God:
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever,
smell one another?
---------

Dear God:
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch...or
is it going to be the same old story?
---------

Dear God:
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar,
the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit,
but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a
cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would
it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the
'Chrysler Beagle'?
---------

Dear God:
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human
hears him, is he still a bad dog?
---------

Dear God:
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand
signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent
ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee
flight paths. What do humans understand?
---------

Dear God:
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
---------

Dear God:
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake
hands to get in?
---------

Dear God:
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have
to apologize?
---------

Dear God:

Let me give you a list of just some of the things I
must remember to be a good dog:

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or
after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs,
etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter
box; although they are tasty, they are not food.
4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
5. The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and
Dad's laps.
6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
8. I will not bite the officer's! hand when he reaches
in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear
when he's on the toilet.
10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an
acceptable way of saying 'hello.'
11. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when
I'm lying under the coffee table.
12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before
entering the house.
13. I will not throw up in the car.
14. I will not come in from outside and immediately
drag my butt.
15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room
and lick my crotch when company is over.
16. The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with
him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good
thing.
---------

And, finally, my last question.......

Dear God:
When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?


A Cat Story - By Katsuey Kat of Course
It is reported that the following addition to the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?" And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care one way or the other.

I Don't Know How It Works, But ......
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walks between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

Your Chance To Get Back At A Friend
(Substitute a country or City) ___________'s worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seated Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery late this morning in central ________. _________ search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

Do You Measure Up? Contributed by Cheryl Agne.
If you can start the day without caffeine;
If you can get going without pep pills;
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains;
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles;
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it;
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time;
If you can forgive a friend`s lack of consideration;
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of your own, something goes wrong;
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment;
If you can ignore a friend`s limited education and never correct him;
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend;
If you can face the world without lies and deceit;
If you can conquer tension without medical help;
If you can relax without liquor;
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs;
If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against anyone based on creed, color, religion, politics, or sexual orientation...

Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog.

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Lawyer's Questions/Witness Responses
The Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal listed the following as questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

2. The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

3. Were you present when your picture was taken?

4. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

5. Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

6. Did he kill you?

7. How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

8. You were there until the time you left, is that true?

9. How many times have you committed suicide?

10. Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

11. Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys? A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

12. Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

13. Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, Sir.

Q: And you took your new wife?

14. Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death.

Q: And by who's death was it terminated?

15. Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

16. Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

17. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

18. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral.

19. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

20. Q: You were not shot in the fracas? A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

21. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? A: I have been since early childhood.

Legal History
What did O.J. say after the trial? "Can I have my gloves back now?"

Top Sixteen Signs You Hired The Wrong Lawyer Forwarded by Doug Holmes, Attorney, C.P.A.
16. Every couple of minutes, he yells "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.

15. Calls recess and asks "Got any ideas, genius?"

14. Answers all objections with "whatever"

13. Frequently gives juror number 4 the finger

12. Places large "no refunds" sign on defense table.

11. Begins every sentence with "Well, as Ally McBeal once said..."

10. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla vs. Mothra.

9. Just before your trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"

8. He thinks he'll win your case, "because there's a first time for everything"

7. He starts off his opening with, "anyone got a light?"

6. Whenever he says, "Your Honor" he makes those little quotation marks in the air.

5. Sign in front of law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:45"

4. Begins by telling jury, "You all look like you should be on Jerry Springer"

3. Giggles every time he hears the word "briefs"

2. His phone number: 1-900-SHYSTER

1. He introduces you to his law partners, Jim Beam and Johnny Walker.

Go Figure
A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"

Merry Christmas from a Lawyer
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for
an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,
non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday,
practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion
of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the
religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice
not to practice religious or secular traditions at all ...

... And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar
year 2002, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other
cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not
to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is
the only "AMERICA" in the Western Hemisphere), and without regard to the
race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of
computer platform, or sexual preference of
the wishee.

(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is
subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no
alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to
actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void
where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the
wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual
application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance
of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is
limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole
discretion of the wisher.)

Me Materialistic? Forwarded by Tim Mellitz
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side.  The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within  minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the  day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no  matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how  materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when  the truck hit you." "My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"


Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas! Contributed By David B. Collins, Jr., Esq., (Wilmington, NC) and Cheryl Agne (Colorado) the same day

______________________________ Forward Header
__________________________________
Subject: T'was The Night Before Christmas - Legal Version

The Night Before Christmas - Legal Version

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtent to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically indentified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations. Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said house, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" - Or words to that effect.

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On to Section 5