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While in an elevator...
1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
15) Swat at flies that don't exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.
18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got enough air in there?"
20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."
26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space!"
While driving...
1. Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Headbang.
3. Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling..
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Pay the toll for the car behind you. Watch in rearview mirror as toll collector tries to explain to next driver.
7. Laugh. Laugh a lot. A whooooole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put sneakers on your hands, and lean the seat back as you drive.
13. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an offended and angry look as if they gave you an obscene gesture.
16. At stop lights, ask people if they have any Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
22. Keep at least five cats in the car.
23. Squeegee your windshield at every stop.
24. If an firetruck comes up behind you, pull over, get on the roof of your car, and do a cheer for them as they pass!
25. Compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse.
26. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray for roadkill.
29. Stop and cook roadkill. (If in Tennessee.)
30. Throw Spam. Tape signs on windows protesting email abuse.
31. Get in the fast lane and gradually... slow... down... to...
a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.
32. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
33. Drive off an exit ramp, ask for directions to the town you're in. When they tell you you're there, look confused, glance at your map, laugh, and exclaim, "Oh! Wrong state!"
34. Sing without having the radio on.
35. At stop lights, run out of your car, place pylons around you, then gather them back up as the light changes and drive off...
In an office...
Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disquise your voice.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always
wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if
your boss is the opposite gender.
Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what your're doing.
For example: "If anyone
needs me, I'll be in the bathroom".
Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
with that.
put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".
Put decaf in the coffee-maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten
over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
.
Reply to everything someone says with, "Thats what you think".
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to
your boss.
Don't use any punctuation.
Ask people what sex they are.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Honk and wave at strangers.
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
because your're not in the
mood.
Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they did not
send it to you and say
"I have asked you not to send me stuff like this".
At Walmart...
Take shopping carts for the express purpose filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't
looking.
Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest-rooms.
Move a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite
them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly
"There's no toilet paper in here"!
Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
When there are people behind you, walk REALLY slow, especially in thin narrow aisles.
Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.
Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
Play with the automatic doors.
Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"
Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow, Magic!"
Put M&M's on layaway.
Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "... I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the batcave!"
T.P. as much of the store as possible.
Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
Take bets on the battle described above.
Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
Hold indoor shopping cart races.
Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
Two words: "Marco Polo."
Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
"Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying anything.
Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
During a boring lecture...
1. Bring a blowhorn. Use it when you ask or answer a question.
2. Heckle the professor.
3. Hire a video crew to come to the class. If asked about it, say that you have to tape the lecture for a friend.
4. Bring a water gun. Shoot the professor when his back is turned.
5. Get the other students in your row to do the wave.
6. Bring a small chalkboard to class. Ask the professor if you can borrow his chalk to take notes.
7. Contradict everything the professor says. Offer irrefutable scientific proof.
8. If it's a math lecture, claim that the professor misspelled pi.
9. When the professor asks a question, raise your hand. If the professor calls on you, point to someone in the next row and say "He knows."
Pick a different person each time.
10. Buy a doll. When you go to class, leave the doll in your chair, along with your notebook and pen. Say that you have an important meeting to go to, and that the doll will be taking notes for you.
11. Bring a typewriter. Use it to take notes.
12. Write a love note. Sign it "a secret admirer". Get someone to pass it to the professor.
13. Get up to go to the bathroom five or six times during the class.
Change clothes every time.
14. While taking notes, write vulgar words every few lines. If anyone asks, say you have Tourette's syndrome.
15. Buy a watermelon. Give it to the professor. If he/she asks, say "They were out of apples."
16. Bring a small tape player. Play a tape of the previous lecture. Take notes on both.
17. If it's an English class, ask how the theory of relativity relates to Shakespeare's "Midsummer Night's Dream".
18. Pretend to be asleep until five minutes before the end of class. Then wake up and explain that you missed the lecture, and ask the
professor to summarize what he/she talked about.
19. Bring a can of spray paint. Use it to take notes on the classroom wall.
20. Bring a fully-stocked picnic basket to class. Explain that you didn't have time to eat breakfast.
21. Wear a loincloth to class. If anyone asks, say that it is your costume for the school play, and you didn't have time to change out of it.
22. Tear out pages of the textbook and make little origami animals out of them. Have a whole menagerie by the end of class. Give them to the professor as a token of your esteem.
23. Bring a fishing rod. Try to catch things on the professor's desk.
24. Bring a tape player and a tape of a thunderstorm. Keep it hidden.
Sometime during the lecture, start the tape, stand up, claim that the professor has angered the gods and leave. Watch to see how many students follow you after the tape starts playing.
25. Make reserved seating cards and place them on the desks before class.
26. Tell the professor you are on a new experimental cold medication that may have strange side effects. Every ten minutes or so, run around the room screaming. Afterward, claim that you have no memory of what just happened.
27. Claim that you are the new student teacher, and that you are to give the lecture for that class. If the professor agrees, lecture on a subject completely opposite the to subject of the class. If the
professor objects, say that the students should have a wide range of knowledge.
28. Switch the professor's lecture notes with your history notes from last term.
29. Raise your hand and ask when the movie is going to start.
30. Bring a flash camera. Take pictures every few minutes, using a very bright flash. If anyone complains, say that you didn't see any sign saying you couldn't bring cameras.
31. Bring a light bulb. Hold it over your head whenever you have the
answer to a question.
32. Bring an easel and a paint set. Paint a portrait of the professor during the lecture. Say that it is a homework assignment for art class.
33. Sneeze very loudly. Then, have the person next to you sneeze, then the person next to him, and so on. See how long it takes before the professor sneezes.
34. When the professor comes in, say, very loudly, "Hey! A substitute!
All right!" Claim that the real professor said you could have lecture outside.
35. Come to class wearing the same outfit as the professor. Call the
professor a copycat.
36. If it's a geology lecture, switch the quartz crystals with New
Folger's Crystals and see if the professor notices. Have a hidden camera.
37. Hide a ticking clock under the podium. Call in a bomb threat.
38. Write your assignment on Plato on your little sister's modeling clay.
39. Ask questions in a foreign language you know the professor doesn't know. Act angry when he/she doesn't understand you.
40. Come to class dressed as a professional wrestler. Tell people you joined the wrestling team. Bodyslam anyone who doesn't believe you.
41. When the professor comes in, suddenly scream, "NOOOOOO! Not him! Not professor Johnson!! They let him teach again! Noooooooooo!" then run out of them room. See how many people follow you.
42. Turn your row into a mosh pit.
43. Before class starts, turn all the desks upside down. Sit on them
like you would normally.
44. Two words: American Gladiators.
45. Make requests like people do at rock concerts. ("Relativity!
Relativity! Einstein rocks!")
46. Bring popcorn. Throw it and the professor. Complain that these
trained animal shows aren't what they used to be.
47. Bring a tape player and a tape of the school bell. Play it every 15 minutes.
48. When the professor calls on you, mumble incomprehensibly. Answer
every question in this fashion. See how long it takes before the
professor stops calling on you.
49. When you take a test, hire a security guard to stand by your desk and make sure no one cheats off your paper.
50. Make up a strange religious cult and distribute flyers for it during class.
While waiting to connect with AOL...
Your income tax.
Complete your BA degree.
Watch your hair grow.
Get 3 or 4 haircuts.
Count the tiles on the ceiling 200 times.
Look up Prodigy in the phone book.
Plan, make and serve a 7 course meal.
Read War and Peace, and write a book report on it.
Contemplate the meaning of a General Protection Fault.
Watch your AOL stocks decrease in value.
Become mesmerized by your screen saver.
Organize your desk.
Spend "Quality Time" with your hard drive.
Plan secret mission involving AOL headquarters and several rolls of toilet paper.
Go crazy wondering what you are missing in JComm.
Try to remember the words to the pledge of allegiance.
Listen to the radio.
Contemplate the meaning of the word "unlimited".
Clip your toenails.
Try to remember how to write with a pen.
Call Network Solutions. See whether you connect with AOL first or reach a live person at
NSI.
Things Clinton Will Do Upon Retirement Trash the dump before
Gore moves in. Come to grips with the fact that regular people just can't go
around dropping their pants. Spend more quality time with Chelsea and her 13
half brothers and sisters.
Tour the nations' prisons to improve conditions, visit friends.
Write book: "The American Presidency: An Oral History." Buy a Burger
King franchise. Attend UFO
conventions, show off preserved bodies of aliens he smuggled out of the Pentagon. Step
one: appear on "Oprah." Step two: hug orphan. Step three: all is
forgiven.
Buy a Hooter's franchise.
Catch up on eight-year stack of "Penthouse."
Search for a new outlet for well-developed lying and cheating skills.
Continue work, counseling interns.
Stop using fake names in personal ads.
Take little Buddy out three times a day -- also walk the dog.
Get to know those Gore girls better.
Blondes The
Blondes and the Horse - Forwarded by Cheryl Agne A
blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has
not had any lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse
unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde
begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's
mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms
around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse
anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping
rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse
to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become
entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's
pounding hooves, as her head is struck against the ground again and
again and again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments
away from unconsciousness when ...the Wal-Mart manager runs out and
unplugs the horse.
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