Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
Just give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
Real men don't waster their hormones growing hair.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Upon the advice of my attorney, this button bears no message at this time.
I want it all. And, I want it delivered.
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law on a milk carton.
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to a tree.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Proverbs
Fools rush in where fools have been before.
To avoid duplication, make three copies.
It's called "Take Home" pay because you can't afford to go anywhere else with
it.
Success is relative; The greater the success, the more relatives.
Anyone can be a winner . . . unless, of course, there's a second entry.
The slower you work, the fewer mistakes you make.
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
If at first you succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
You must have learned from others' mistakes. You haven't had time to think all those up
yourself.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
People like criticism . . . just keep it positive and flattering.
It's OK to let your mind go blank, but please turn off the sound.
Worry kills more people than work because more people worry than work.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
When you're getting kicked from behind, that means you're in front.
Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do.
Advertisement: "Let me do your income tax. I'll save you time (about 20
years)."
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.
Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done.
A babysitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like
teenagers.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you
a mechanic.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it
again.
Most people deserve each other.
All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.
The one who snores, will fall asleep first.
The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the
wedding.
The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good and apropos as the gifts your neighbor
buys their spouse.
Never get overly excited about a man/woman by just the way they look from behind.
If you help a relative in need he/she will remember you the next time they are in need.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with
someone you do not want to be seen with.
Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the weekend when the Dental Office
will be closed.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you
turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
just whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear
earmuffs?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the
way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out
of?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game", when we are already
there?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
And if it only takes one dollar a day to feed a child in Africa, why
does it take two dollars a day to lose weight with Jenny Craig?
Definitions
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Carcinoma (n.), a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer
the door in your nightie.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Bustard (n.), a very rude Tri-Met driver.
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood,
including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book
together just before vespers.
Marionettes (n.), residents of Washington, D.C. who have been jerked around
by the mayor.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on
the roof and gets stuck there.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist
immediately before he examines you.
Job Applicant
This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to
McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest
and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But
seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky,
I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael
Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer
and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a
more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING
UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would
be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already
be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas
with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm
the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing
that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF
YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
Actual Bumper Stickers
Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
All men are idiots.. I married their king.
Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later.
Give pizza chants.
This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.
How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
If, a two letter word for futility.
I don't care, I don't have to.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
If something goes without saying, LET IT!
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted telepathy: you know where to apply.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Spotted owl taste just like chicken.
Hang up and drive.
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
Lord save me from your followers.
Meat is yummy!
Mean people rule!
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
There's too much youth, how about a fountain of smart.
P.E.T.A.: People Eating Tasty Animals
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
Wink, I'll do the rest!
Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
I love animals...they're delicious.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling to good myself.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I souport publik edekasion.
hoket on foniks werked fur me.
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live
Out of my mind...Back in five minutes
Hang up and drive
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
Heart Attacks...Mother Nature's Revenge For Eating Her Animal Friends
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted
Try not to let your mind wander. It's too small to be out by itself.
The proctologist called, they found your head.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
Why am I the only person on earth who knows how to drive?
Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people "Everybody But Me"
I may be slow, but I'm ahead of you
CAUTION - Driver legally blonde
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
I'm Out Of Bed And Dressed; What More Do You Want?
Remember My Name ~
You'll Be Screaming It Later
Welcome to S--- Creek. Sorry, we're out of
paddles
If You Think I'm A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother
Consciousness:
that annoying time between naps
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better
Give
me ambiguity or give me something else
I took an IQ test and the results were
negative
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
The gene pool
could use a little chlorine
God must love stupid people, he made so many
I
want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the
passengers in his car.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing
So
you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I
ever made
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore
You're just jealous
because the voices only talk to me
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every
minute of it
NEW SLOGANS FOR FLORIDA
FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.
FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.
FLORIDA: We count more than you do.
FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the
other 56 states.
FLORIDA: We've been Gored by the bull of politics and we're Bushed.
FLORIDA: Relax...Retire...ReVote.
FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again! ...and again...and again...
FLORIDA: What comes after 17,311?
FLORIDA: Where your vote counts...and counts...and counts...
FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.
FLORIDA: We don't just cheat in football.
FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!
Or
Palm Beach County: So nice, we let you vote twice.
Palm Beach County: We put the "duh" in Florida.
Sign on I-95 : Florida this way...no, that way...5 miles...wait, 10
miles......
Signs
Septic Tank Truck sign reads:
"We're #1 in the #2 business".
Sign over a gynecologist's office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
At a military hospital, on a door to endoscopies:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
On a Plumbers truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
At a laundry shop:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the
store and have the manager shot.
Would that be satisfactory?"
On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a nonsmoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
In a podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will
be."
In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry:
Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a propane filling station,
"Tank heaven for little grills."
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago
radiator shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
P.S. Sign seen a few places
"We're not happy till you're not happy."
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